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08 July 2008 @ 01:11 am
 how could i have known it would hurt this much to be happy? hurts with satisfaction. like a cigarette burn on your leg, smoking out the tick that burrows into your skin. love and lyme disease. 

he winks flawless. does he know how that makes me melt? he must. he smiles before i do. but everything melts fast in summer. it's a symptom of the season. that just adds to the magic. he has houdini in every eyelash. 
I'm just: contentcontent
The headphones say: if my heart could beat, it would break my chest
i have the makings of an insane asylum heart throb and no one knows.
a break out preformance in the form of a break down.

when i was little i wanted to be a grown up when i grew up. 
imagination wasn't my strong point.
i think now i'm going to just skip the whole thing.

the other day i heard my grandmother whispering my name.
it's getting harder to tell the difference between my mind and my ears.
between yes and no.
eveything is a paler shade of black.
i'm finding my reality and my imagination are smearing into each other.

you have nothing in your hands
any power you have
comes to you from far beyond
everything is fixed 
and you can't change it

where is the church of judas iscariot?
I'm just: blankblank
The headphones say: you don't recover from a night like this
16 August 2007 @ 11:52 pm
sometimes when the sunlight catches floating dust in the air i think it's snowing inside my room. i can't make an angel but i like to trace moving constellations with my fingertips.

maybe someday i'll tell him that i can't look at ice cream or a piano without thinking of him.
The headphones say: holding onto this phone, holding onto this glass
06 July 2007 @ 03:03 pm
“I’m going through a mental breakdown,” she told him in a matter-of-fact tone.

They sat in a white porcelain bathtub, lukewarm water covering their bodies to the waist. They faced each other, their legs twining together in a primitive Celtic knot. Her arms wound around her ribcage. His hand gripped her thighs, anchoring her to the ceramic.

She tipped her head back and tried to see the stars through the ceiling. “And if I’m like this now, what does that really say about me while I was healthy.”

He reached up and touched her jaw, leaving a glistening slit on her skin. She sighed and leaned back, letting the water wrap around her body like an envelope. She stayed there, staring.

He grabbed her shoulders and pulled her up. Waterfalls poured off her and back into their makeshift pool. He folded her into his lap and tucked her head under his chin. He sat back against the side of the tub and looked at the corner of her face. Her eyelashes clumped together and her hair rose to the surface of the water, a mahogany fan.

“Darling,” he whispered, “you’re just finding a different way to cope.”

Water fell from her cupped hands, crashing waves against their bodies and sides, turning their tub into an empty sea, her pale fists playing the moon that controlled the tides. “I don’t want to cope. I’m tired. My mind keeps bending.”

“And when it breaks, I’ll be there.”
The headphones say: i'm so lost for you
21 June 2007 @ 03:04 am
I’m taking a pen knife to my hand and cutting a fucking fame line into my palm. I’ll make it real. I’ll make it work. I’m so much more than this. I’m so much more than the girl in the music shop. More than the girl with the cute smile that can tune a guitar.

I’m the girl who can make oceans freeze with her eyes. I’m the girl who can silence a room with a thought. I’m the girl who’s voice will make you wish believed it God. You just don’t know it yet.

Someday you’ll see the world through my eyes. Eyes that you don’t know are there until you’ve done something you’ll regret. My fingers will teach you how to mold stone and cure diseases. My words will cut through mud and turn it to glass.

I want to take my goose bumps and roll them into a ball. Flatted them out on the floor and create a disguise from the new skin. So every time I wear it, not only do you not recognize me, it will give you chills.
The headphones say: can't tear us apart
09 June 2007 @ 11:24 pm
Someday, someone will kiss you awake and you’ll open your eyes for real, for the first time in years.
Soon you’ll smile for no reason other than you’re happy, and I want you to make sure you remember how you feel at that moment. It won’t last, it never does. But it will come back. It always does.
Somewhere, there is a man waiting to live to see Haley’s Comet a second time.
The headphones say: it's not for nothing, i tell myself
09 June 2007 @ 02:37 am
I miss the days when tracing my hand and gluing dry pasta to a piece of paper made me an artist.
I miss the days when I wore knee socks and cart wheeled on the pavement.
I miss the days when I had a different best friend every week depending on who I shared my snacks with and how our desks were interchanged.
I’m going to dance next to cross walks.
I’m going to draw with dirt and paint you a sunset with rocks.
I just want you to believe in my when I tell you can taste is when a star dies. I can feel raindrops on the other side of the world and I can feel the way no one really smiles when they hit a certain age.
I am equal parts fear of change and need to leave.
The headphones say: i want you buried in the yard
01 June 2007 @ 02:32 pm
sometimes, when I'm alone I like to turn my claddagh around on my finger, so that the heart is pointing towards me.

sometimes, I like to pretend that I'm someone's someone.

sometimes, I like to think I belong to someone.
I'm just: blankblank
The headphones say: seconds pass without a passing glance
24 May 2007 @ 11:11 pm
the first boy who told me he loved me didn't know my last name. i knew him less than three weeks. he whispered it in my ear just after he kissed me. and then he smiled. and then i ran back home.

i don't think he knows my last name now. and sometimes wonder he still loves me, even just a little bit... or if he even did before. i wonder if he knows that i still think about it.

i think i like it better that way. i like it better if someone loves me before they know me. because no one will any other way.
The headphones say: we were elemental
16 May 2007 @ 04:55 pm
And even under an overcast sky, full of clouds that threatened to let loose rain down upon the earth, he had a smile on his face. He pulled me into the park, into a throng of screaming and laughing children, into the smell of fresh cut grass, into a cloud of dust brought up from beneath stamping feet.
We sat on the swings and listened to the chains creaking as we tied them up, spinning in our black rubber seats. After a while we just sat there, swinging our feet and digging grooves in the graying woodchips with our toes.
His hand found my wrist, barely grazing down the skin until his fingers laced in between mine. Unconsciously I rolled my eyes and sighed. “You know, there are only two kinds of people hold hands.” I said, keeping my hand limp.
“And which one are we?” he asked, gliding his thumbnail against my palm.
“Only the elderly and the people having affairs hold hands. We, obviously, are neither.”
“Did you ever think that maybe we’re just in love?”
His face was quiet and his eyes were smiling at me. And I looked at that hopeful face and, though I didn’t mean to, I laughed in it.
The headphones say: I'm convinced this summer's better spent alone